Esther Perel is a world-renowned sex and relationships expert and the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity. Her exclusive mbg class, The Essential Guide to Sparking Your Erotic Intelligence, will help you create the relationship you’ve always wanted and take your sex life to a whole new level.
We often define love as security and comfort, which is at odds with our view of desire. Desire conjures freedom, excitement, and adventure. During my many years as a therapist in New York City, I frequently encountered this complaint: Couples love each other but their sex lives have become rote, tedious, and devoid of eroticism.
A secure and loving relationship can give us stability and comfort—someone to cuddle with on the couch and binge-watch TV with—but this is at odds with our equally strong need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. Paradoxically, we strive to have both connection and freedom, to be close and safe but also to fan the enticing white-hot flames of our desire.
Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner.
1. Make a list of 10 things you do to turn yourself on.
How we feel about ourselves is key to how we respond during sex. So, flip the script. Instead of saying: “You turn me on when…” or “What turns me on is…” own your wanting by saying, “I turn myself on by… ” and “I awaken my desire when…” and “I come to life by…”