“We hardly ever make love anymore.”
“Our lovemaking seems like a chore for both of us.”
“Our sexual relationship seems flat and boring.”
“My wife/husband is rarely interested in me sexually.”
I often hear these complaints from my clients. Yet, some couples deeply enjoy their lovemaking with each other even in very long-term relationships. What are they doing differently than the complaining couples?
Having worked with thousands of couples for the last 44 years, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned about what keeps passion alive… and what doesn’t.
1. Personal Power vs. Neediness
Neediness isn’t sexy. By neediness, I mean that your sense of self-worth and sense of security and lovability are tied to how your partner treats you rather than to how you feel about yourself and to how you treat yourself. If your partner has to have sex with you for you to feel that you are okay, that may be a turnoff to your partner. Women especially want their man to be in their power — not coming to them like a needy little boy. I’ve often heard women say, “When I visit my husband at work, I’m so turned on to him because he is coming from his personal power, but as soon as he gets home, he turns into a needy little boy and all the turn-on is gone.”
It’s not just women who want their partner to have their own self-worth. I’ve worked with many men who are not attracted to their wives because their wives are needy and demand sex to feel okay about themselves. And it’s not just heterosexual couples who struggle with this. This same issue comes up over and over with my gay clients as well.
The issue here is whether or not you are taking personal responsibility for your own feelings and well-being. When you have learned to love and value yourself, then making love with your beloved is a way to express your love rather than a way to get love and validation.